There is a special kind of pain that comes with sitting front row at a funeral.
Before Saturday, the last time I sat on the front row was for my Mamaw’s funeral in 2008. At nine years old, the significance didn’t quit hit. I understood what death was and that life moving forward was going to look different. At nine years old though, you are still a child.
At that age, death seems final, but in the same way that the end of a book seems final. You can go back and reread the book. You might catch little details that you missed here and there, but ultimately, the book is done. It’s complete. You don’t add to it or take out chapters. It just is.
As an adult, death is different. I want to ask more questions. I want to be able to add chapters or rewrite some of the ones already there. As an adult, I want death to be the first book in a series and not a stand-alone story. On the front row Saturday, I watched and grieved as my uncle’s story came to an end – no sequel, no extra chapters, no more pages, no… more. It just is.
Death is difficult at any age. I am grateful that I had nearly 18 years between that last time on the front row and now. In a way though, that makes this go around seem more devastating. Experiencing the front row as an adult means no one tries to shield you from the pain. In fact, the adults spend a good portion of their time trying to shield the children.
This time, I helped distract my baby cousins from the grief that was palpable. We played and laughed. I redistributed the tissue boxes my youngest cousin continued to move from one side of the funeral home to the other. My cousin doesn’t quit realize what it means when people tell her that her Papaw is gone. She doesn’t realize that the story is finished. She didn’t cry on Saturday; she thought a nice man gave her a pretty rose while sitting in a field with a bunch of fancy rocks that had letters and pictures carved in them.
She sat on the front row and didn’t understand the pain that came with it. I hope and pray she has at least 18 years before she sits on the front row again.
